They Call Me: The Victorious Roach Trapper

I had a twenty-minute standoff with a roach the other day, thereby revealing that I am the most indecisive person I know. The roach was there, in the cupboard, second shelf, as I reached up to get the spices I needed to cook dinner. It was just calmly sitting on the shelf, in plain view. In horror, I closed the cupboard hastily, frantically debating what I should do to dispose of said roach. I left the room to reconnoiter. Tip-toeing back into the kitchen, I had the brilliant idea that if I sneak up on it and squash it with haste I wouldn't have time to think about the horrible sound it would make.....too late, I was already thinking about it, imagining in horrible detail every crunching and squishing noise it would make. The noise of my imagination became deafening and I dropped the shoe, ready to consider plan B.

Plan B: the vacuum cleaner. I'll use the vacuum attachment, thereby keeping me at least 3 feet away from the roach, to suck it up into the vacuum cleaner. I rigged it up, turned it on, and began to imagine the horrible sound it would make as it slid through the vacuum tube and thence into the bag. AND, what if it wasn't dead when it reached the bag?! Would it crawl out through the tube to haunt me? I would never be able to sleep in my apartment again. Turn off the vacuum cleaner and put it away.

Plan C: trap the roach in a cup, sliding a piece of cardboard underneath and release it into the wild. I stood there, cup in one hand, cardboard in the other debating what the best angle was for roach-trapping. Not wanting him to escape, I analyzed each angle carefully. Taking a deep breath I advanced. The roach began to bounce up and down. Frightened, I retreated. Another agonizing 5 minutes passed. I began to approach a second time. The roach remained stationary and I pounced. Whimpering, I deposited him as far from the apartment door as I could and put the cup in the dishwasher. Victorious Roach Trapper.